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Six questionable Valentine's Day gift ideas

By AJ Willingham
updated 12:44 PM EST, Fri February 10, 2012
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'Moby Dick' typed on toilet paper: Why have a normal copy of Moby Dick, when you can have a $320 version printed on toilet paper! Not only is it a great bathroom read, you can flush it when you're done, thus continuing the book's themes of futility and madness. Aren't you clever?

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Giant Microbes: Why not gift your Valentine with an adorable replica of a horrific, fatal malady? (This one's the Flesh Eating disease -- awww!) They also have romantic sperm and egg sets especially for V-Day, but we'll let you investigate those on your own.

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Fake Beard Headgear: If the picture doesn't sell it, the description will: "This is the hottest trend among kids, tweens...and bearded ladies....awesome gift idea for the cold-intolerant, or your sweet little grandma." Also good if you want to send some subtle signals about personal grooming. 

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Ostrich Pocket Pillow: Sorry, this is only a concept design. But the description calls it a "micro-environment in which to take a warm and comfortable power nap." We call it a "personal fainting and/or hiding machine." Give this, and your message will be clear: "I don't like your face. Or your hands, for that matter."

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'Crafting with Cat Hair' book: Come to think of it, we would be thrilled if we got this as a gift. 

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Virgin Galactic Space Flight: If you really don't like your Valentine, you could always just send them into space. Sure, it will cost more than your house, but it'll give them the experience of a lifetime, and you enough time to move out. 

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Every once in a while, for whatever reason, you may end up on Valentine's Day with someone you really don't care for. If they're expecting a gift, you want to make sure it is something thoughtful and unique. You want to get them something that really speaks to them, preferably something that says, in elegant and clear form, "I really don't like you."

We've compiled a helpful list of goodies you may want to consider for this special someone. If you happen to be with a guy or lady you actually adore, lucky you! Don't buy these things. They won't love you anymore. At least wait until a birthday. 

If one of these items is so enchanting you can't imagine life without it, here are some links to help you out:

Check out TP Moby Dick on eBay

Adopt a giant microbe at GiantMicrobes.com

Slap on a knitted beard from etsy

Pretend you're a suffocating ostrich at studio-kg.com

Plan your cat hair projects at BarnesAndNoble.com

Fly away to space at VirginGalactic.com

Tell us: What's the worst V-day gift you've ever gotten? Or, even better, what's the weirdest gift you've gotten, that you actually LOVED? 

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