On a recent trip to Los Angeles, the guy who brought a goat into an Apple store, lived in an IKEA, got carried across Manhattan by strangers, and visited every Starbucks in Manhattan in a single day set out to offset the cost of hotel rooms in the City of Angels by imploring celebrities to allow him to sleep at their Hollywood homes.
Thirteen stars said “yes” to comedian Mark Malkoff.
Malkoff slept at the homes of “Full House” star Dave Coulier, “Bridesmaids” director Paul Feig, actress Camryn Manheim, actor and environmentalist Ed Begley Jr., actress Justine Bateman, “Private Practice” and “Grey’s Anatomy” star Kate Walsh, Kato Kaelin, “Wings” star Steven Weber, “24” actress Mary Lynn Rajskub, and musician Lisa Loeb.
“It was non-stop craziness,” Malkoff told HLNtv.com. “I wanted this fake life of mine to continue. I seriously wanted celebrity sleepovers to be my full-time job.”
On his first night in Los Angeles, Malkoff slept at Bateman’s place. The actress had house guests, so Malkoff was relegated to her kids’ backyard tree house. He did get a chance to slow dance with the “Family Ties” star, though.
“Justine Bateman had this awesome tree house overlooking LA,” explained Malkoff. “And it was beautiful, but it was about 40 or 50 degrees so she gave me a lot of layers, too. I only showed up to LA with a sleeping bag so she gave me tons of layers. That was pretty wild to have that experience that first night -- going to see Mallory Keaton, who I grew up watching -- and then getting to slow dance with her."
On the night he slept at Loeb’s house, the songstress was gracious enough to write a song about middle-school-Mark-Malkoff's crush on Bateman.
The next day, Malkoff was sore from sleeping in the tree house, so he popped in to Weber’s house for a nap. Weber gave him a "nice, platonic man massage" and a sleep-inducing essential oil.
When Malkoff slept at Walsh’s, the actress -- already in pajamas -- greeted him at the door.
“She actually let me into her nice closet and I got to pick out a pair of pajamas,” explained Malkoff. “They were actually her pajamas. She let me try on her Emmy shoes, which was really odd because I'm a dude and I don't wear ladies' shoes."
Although there was a camera person in the room, the happily-married Malkoff felt uncomfortable sleeping beside the actress, who told the comedian’s wife, “It’s totally cool, Christine. I’m not attracted to him at all.”
Malkoff said that his wife was “cool with it, and Kate Walsh, apparently, is not attracted to me which is a pretty common theme from females, but that’s OK. She gave me a mud mask which was interesting."
Dave Coulier bought matching red plaid flannel pajamas for he and Malkoff and the pair played hockey and croquet.
“Being such an 80's nerd, I'm sure Coulier -- after hour three of me asking him questions about ‘Full House’ -- was frustrated, but he was polite and answered all my questions about Kimmy Gibbler."
Manheim made Malkoff wash his face and take out the trash -- and slept with the actress’s Emmy.
"She said I could sleep with her Golden Globe as well but I thought the Emmy was more prestigious."
“Karate Kid” star Martin Kove baked cookies for Malkoff and the pair played Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Hanging out with Ed Begley, Jr. was a dream come true for Malkoff, who had written the actor a fan letter as a child – and Begley wrote back!
In true Ed Begley fashion, the civic-minded actor’s idea of a bedtime story was to read Malkoff a passage about composting from his own book.
"He is the real deal,” said Malkoff. “He couldn't be more kind! He's an inspiration. He cooked me dinner and the next morning we had breakfast while he did the New York Times crossword puzzle. He let me hold his dad's Oscar."
Malkoff told HLNtv.com that he was, ironically, Kato Kaelin’s first-ever houseguest in the former O.J’ Simpson houseguest’s current home.
“He was a really good host,” said Malkoff. “I guess since he's been a houseguest so many times he knows what good hospitality is.”
Ten minutes prior to Malkoff’s arrival, Kaelin texted Malkoff to see if he was hungry and ordered the comedian a pizza.
“When he e-emailed the first time,” continued Malkoff, "he signed it K-Train, so apparently that's what he's going by these days. So yeah, K-Train and me are pretty tight.”
There’s still one mystery surrounding Malkoff’s stay at K-Train’s abode.
"Kato, for some reason I still don't understand, gave me two of his shirts. I don't know why I have Kato's button-down, nice shirts. That was interesting."
Malkoff is still shocked at the graciousness of all of his celebrity hosts who, by the way, all beat him at arm wrestling -- even Loeb.
“I honestly thought I would show up, we'd film a couple of bits and then they would put me in some sort of room and not have any other contact,” said Malkoff. “It wasn't like that at all.”
Malkoff was pleasantly surprised that every single celebrity he reached out to got back to him personally. The only person that got back to him via a publicist was one of the people who declined.
“Surprisingly the one person who had her publicist get back to me was a D-lister from the 80's," said Malkoff.
While the comedian harbors no ill-will toward those who either said “no,” or didn’t get back to him at all (*cough* John Schneider from “Dukes of Hazzard” *cough*), Malkoff said "it's amazing that people who are so on top of the game like Paul Feig, and Kate Walsh who has her own series on ABC, were so amazingly cordial while these C and D-listers weren't. I mean, I'm sure John Schneider's a lovely human being, but he could have at least politely declined."
Malkoff also encountered one of his hosts in their underwear.
“I can't say who, explained Malkoff, “Because I think it would be embarrassing to the person, but it was very much unexpected. It was one of the men. He was embarrassed but it's like, when you have house guests, that stuff happens."
Malkoff experienced a very Hollywood moment when he happened to run into CNN’s (sister station to HLN) own Larry King walking into a Beverly Hills bagel shop. The comedian told HLNtv.com that he “respectfully” approached King, sans camera person, outside the bagel shop.
"He wanted to do it,” said Malkoff. “I could tell. I'm all about persistence so if I do another celebrity sleepover series again I'm going to reach out."