SPOILER ALERT: You know the drill. The following contains spoilery spoiling information about Season Four, Episode Three of "Game of Thrones." If you're good with that, please enjoy our Power Rankings for this week's episode.
1. Daenerys Targaryen --
The breaker of chains is BACK IN THE GAME! It's not...perhaps...the game we WANT her to play (come to Westeros, woman!) but she sure showed those Meereenese. Her most disposable asset Daario owned the Champion of Meereen outside the city walls, killing him with one knife and then peeing on the ground to mark his (Dany's) territory. Dany gave her usual speech: "I am Daenerys Stomborn, Mother of" etc, etc, you know the rest. Badass music plays and her army catapults over some symbolic neck collars, which are dangerous in a mostly rhetorical way. Has she planted the seeds of a slave uprising?
2. Tywin Lannister +6
Dear high schools and colleges, cancel your graduation speakers and just play Tywin's awesome speech to Tommen about being a good king. The new king-to-be got schooled on what makes a good leader (short version: Don't be Joffrey) and then somehow Tywin segued directly into the "birds and the bees" talk. Weird? Later, Tywin waded knee-deep into extremely foreign territory when he met Oberyn at the whorehouse and brokered a strange deal: Oberyn could possibly get a crack at revenge on the Mountain for the rape and murder of his sister, and he can also serve on the small council and be a judge at Tyrion's trial. Plotters gonna plot.
3. Oberyn Martell -1
The Prince of Dorne falls this week because his whorehouse romps just KEEP GETTING INTERRUPTED by stupid Lannisters. Can't a man have a bisexual five-way in peace? We're sure Tywin had something up his sleeve when he offered Oberyn political positions, but for now Oberyn is all in. We like this tenuous alliance. Two strong men who couldn't be any more different? Sign us up.
4. Margaery Tyrell +2
We're glad to see the little maybe-queen is taking the death of her husband in stride. She calls herself "cursed" for her 0-2 marriage record, but then her grandmother points out that she actually has it pretty good: She doesn't have to bear children with evil incarnate, and since the alliance between the Tyrells and Lannisters is so important, she'll probably just wed the next king in line: Tommen. Also, Olenna Tyrell doesn't figure directly into the power rankings, but we all know she undoubtedly runs this ish. She is permanent #1, and that would just be unfair to everyone else.
5. Arya Stark --
Arya, who was MIA last week, showed her cunning and quick thinking by pulling off a passing lie about her and the Hound being father and daughter (lol) who are loyal to the Tullys (lol) in order to secure food and shelter. Watching her getting away with saying the Hound is brain-damaged and mad was pretty hilarious, but in the end, it was she who got schooled: Sandor ends up robbing the man who took them in, and explains to Arya that the man and his daughter were weak and they had to take advantage of the situation. Tough, but true.
6. Sansa Stark -5
Sweet freedom! Sansa is totally OK and not weirded out when Dontos the fool whisks her through the city, onto a tiny rowboat, and out into the inexplicably foggy bay. She then climbs aboard a boat without him and -- a wild Littlefinger appears! Well, there goes Sansa's autonomy. Littlefinger gives off his usual creepy uncle vibes, shoots Dontos, and then delivers this killer line: "Money buys a man's silence for a time. A bolt in the heart buys it forever." Oh Sansa, our little bird has so much to learn.
7. Samwell Tarly --
He's a newcomer on the rankings, but we revisit a common theme: Sam is terrible with girls. He has super awkward, almost cute conversations with Gilly before deciding the safest place for her is a terrifying whorehouse where she will clean and take care of babies and possibly freeze or starve to death. Great thinking, Sam. What a logical idea.
8. Stannis Baratheon -4
Stannis, whose existence is the "before" scene in a Zoloft commercial, is not sure what to do about the fact that Joffrey's dead, since he is convinced Melisandre had a magical hand in his death. He gets all mad at Davos presumably because Davos is not a sexy red witch who has people killing powers. Davos has an idea and asks Shireen to write a letter to the Iron Bank of Braavos. If we were Davos, we would get the hell out of there. Dragonstone is bad news.
9. Jaime Lannister -4
What. The. Seven. Hells.
10. Cersei Lannister -2
11. Tyrion Lannister -2
Well, when you're locked up in a cell and about to be tried for the murder of the King, you're gonna come in last, even if you do have an adorably loyal squire and an awesome sellsword bro. #FreeTyrion
Bye Week: Jon Snow
Bye Week: Bran
DQ: Joffrey Baratheon
Previously: Episode 2
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