SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT
If you haven't watched Season Four, Episode One of "Game of Thrones," or you're still waiting for your HBO Go account to load, kindly close this window and get to it.
If you have, please enjoy our power rankings of this week's characters. It's like March Madness, if every March Madness game featured Kevin Ware's gruesomely exposed tibia.
1. Arya Stark
Arya and the Hound, the bloodiest buddy comedy duo in Westeros, are heading to the Vale so the Hound can hand over lil' Stark to her aunt Lysa and hopefully cash in. However, they find themselves sidetracked at an inn where Arya recognizes Polliver, one of the men who captured her and took her to Harrenhall after stealing her sword and killing one of her friends. Arya confronts Polliver during a Hound-led brawl, and dispatches him in a slow and ever-so-satisfying fashion. With her death count up and Needle back by her side, Arya Stark comes in at the top of the power rankings this week.
2. Oberyn Martell
There was a lot to, eh, absorb about Oberyn Martell's character. The Dornish Prince has cool clothes, an awesome hot lady friend, and swag for days, but his appearance in King's Landing means only one thing: He's out for revenge for the rape and murder of his sister. During an extremely enlightening brothel scene, he completely owns two Lannister men and makes his mission absolutely clear: "The Lannisters aren't the only ones who pay their debts."
3. Margaery Tyrell
The little rose has some thorns, and as her wedding to Joffrey draws near, she's plotting. You just KNOW she's plotting.
4. Joffrey Baratheon
The Worst Person Ever is full of bluster and vigor these days. He's still high off the defeat of Robb Stark and Stannis Baratheon, he's getting married to his plotting little rose, and he even got in a few good jabs at his uncle-father Jaime. He is happy, and when Joffrey Baratheon is happy, everybody else is sad.
5. Jon Snow
So... getting shot by your Wildling ex-lover must suck. At least he successfully convinced his Watch brothers that he's not a big ol' turncloak. You live to see another day, Jon Snow.
6. Tywin Lannister
The Lannister patriarch just can't seem to keep his kids in line. Jaime refuses to claim his birthright at Casterly Rock and chooses to stay in the Kingsgaurd on account of his honor (boring!), and Cersei is, well, Cersei. Still, while Jaime, Cersei, et al run around and fret, Tywin remains the captain of the Lannister ship.
7. Daenerys Targaryen
Dragons, guys. We can tell Dany is a little uneasy at just how big and powerful her scaly doggies have become. That being said, she's still milking her Mhysa role, and everything seems to be going swimmingly (hello, new Daario!) until her company makes a gruesome find on the way to Meereen. What a buzzkill.
8. Cersei Lannister
Newsflash: Cersei drinks a lot. She gives Jaime grief about getting himself captured and not being there for her during such tragic events as her husband's death, which must have been so, so tragic. So tragic for Cersei. But if we're playing therapist here, Cersei's probably just projecting her fears about the upcoming royal wedding. Also, if we're playing therapist, we quit. Because Cersei has more issues than People.
9. Tyrion Lannister
Tyrion got to outline his troubles to an angry Shae: People want to kill him, people want to kill each other, and everything is really, well, "tense." Hate to break it to you, Tyrion, but things are about to get way worse, seeing as some little palace snitch seems to have caught on to his special visitor.
10. Jamie Lannister
Can Jaime not get a break? He gets his hand cut off, his father basically disowns him, his sister-lover won't do the sweet sweet incest with him, and his nephew-son is is being a giant jerk. Not even an awesome golden hand can cheer Jaime up. On the plus side, that haircut REALLY works for him.
11. Sansa Stark
This. Poor. Girl. She got a necklace? WHATEVER! EVERYONE SHE LOVES IS DEAD!
Bye week: Bran
Bye week: Theon Greyjoy
Brb, having terrible things done to me.