Real-time analysis of the Super Bowl XLVIII commercials
HLN tracked the Super Bowl ads live Sunday night. Here is how our real-time reviews played out:
Pregame hype? Richard Sherman's rant and its fallout set the bar pretty high. And anytime Peyton Manning takes the field in a big game, deafening hyperbole and over-analysis are soon to follow.
But as anybody who's already clicked a link promising a live blog of the Super Bowl commercials may already know, the pregame chatter around the ads just might have outshined the buildup for the actual game.
That Budweiser horse/dog love-but-not-in-a-weird-way spot? (Bawlin'. Also: Ballin'.) Scarlett Johansson getting into a geopolitical controversy for endorsing a DIY soda-maker? Everyone agreeing that Newcastle's non-ad ad makes us all want to high-five Anna Kendrick and awkwardly ask her to be our friend?
Seahawks-Broncos has a lot to live up to. At this point, we might just be expecting more (OK, at least about the same) from the game's commercials. Will they disappoint, or, like Peyton, totally come through in the clutch? We'll be breaking down the ads right here and scoring each on a scale from 1 to 5 ManningFaces tonight.
So hang out with us, you capitalism-loving temporary football fan, and let us know what you think of the spots in the comments and on Twitter, @HLNTV.
9:56 p.m. ET: You made us cry, beermaker. With a weird interspecies platonic love story, you made us cry. And feel love and other beautiful things, while selling us beer. That's harfsvj. Sorry - that should say "hard", tears making keyboard slipperyyhnhli. Rating: 3.5 ManningFaces (deduction for shamelessly overt awwwmotional pitch)
9:54 p.m. ET: GoDaddy finally didn't roll out a cheap n' cheesy ad about half-naked women. Still did roll out an ad which which made no sense -- and, for the record, featured a lot of topless actors cause habit-breaking is hard. Rating: 1 ManningFace
9:34 p.m. ET: Other British villains considered for that Jaguar spot? Hannibal Lector, Tywin Lannister, Draco Malfoy, Emperor Palpatine, both Liam and Noel Gallagher, Tim Curry in "Rocky Horror Picture Show", and Simon Cowell. So I guess they have a point. Rating: 3.5 ManningFaces
9:32 p.m. ET: Hey, quick story. Senior year in college I reached class schedule nirvana. Nothing before 10:30 and nothing after 2pm any day of the week. Because I'm a hard core dude bro, that meant my afternoons were wide open to... watch reruns of TGIF classics on basic cable.
"Full House" was on every day, two episodes a day. By the time the year was over I'd watched (or had on the background because gimme a little credit) the entire course of the series. Twice. I feel confident in declaring that Oikos yogurt "Full House" ad to be a perfect coda to the series. And that's about as big a compliment as I can possibly pay. Rating: 5 ManningFaces.
9:29 p.m. ET: Easily the most powerful ad of the night was that Microsoft spot featuring Steve Gleason, the former New Orleans Saints world champion who now suffers from ALS. Using his "synthetic voice" Gleason touts all the benefits of new technologies while joyous, inspiring images flash by. "It gives hope to the hopeless," he says. "It has given voice to the voiceless." And who would know better than Gleason, on whom the ad closes while he sweetly cuddles with his son. Rating: 5 ManningFaces
9:23 p.m. ET: Well that was a disjointed Coke ad. I mean, the kid made the big play of his dreams. Why does he have to keep running, pretending to make the big play of his dreams? Always down for some "Jump Around" though. Oh well. Stop thinking so much and enjoy a Coke. Amiright, groundskeeper?? Rating: 2 ManningFaces
9:08 p.m. ET: "Is there anything more American than America?", things you say when you've officially run out of words to describe America. Though damn if Chrysler sure didn't try to find new ones over the rest of their cool 2-minute paean to Detroit and, yes, America. Bob Dylan shilling for The Man was either a great or tragic ending, depending. Rating: 4 ManningFaces
8:58 p.m. ET: In post-Matrix Earth, Morpheus apparently fell on hard times after investing in a failed avant-garde sunglass manufacturer and is now shilling for Kia. The jarring sight of Laurence Fishburne reprising his role in an ad aside, this was pretty great. And, as opposed to most of the commercials tonight, had a really strong, clear message. Which in itself is opposed to the entire "Matrix" trilogy. Rating: 4 ManningFaces
8:56 p.m. ET: "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands." Nobody in Denver clapped their hands, Heinz. Rating: 2 ManningFaces
8:48 p.m. ET: We can only hope the sweaty, voice-cracking 13-year-old middle school boys which we presume make up their target demo understood who those characters were portraying in that Axe Body Spray ad. If so, then they'll full appreciate the humor in a Mahmoud Ahmadinejad lookalike hitting a big red button that detonates... a lovely fireworks display. Rating: 4 ManningFaces
8:40 p.m. ET: We all know the only thing preventing chihuahuas from being the most terrifying dogs on the planet are its small jaws.
Audi's "doberhuahua" doberman hybrid makes that plainly obvious, creating a dog so terrible even Sarah "ASPCA Tearjerker" McLachlan can't love it. I, on the other hand, do. Rating: 4.5 ManningFaces (P.S. "Doberhuahua" totally resembled Sarah Jessica Parker's character in "Mars Attacks!")
7:59 p.m. ET: What, Toyota didn't have the budget for the good Muppets? Look, the Muppets can do no wrong. The Old Spice guy can do no wrong. So, like, what just happened there? That ad was the anti-chocolate covered pretzel: two great tastes that, somehow, do not taste great together. Rating: 2.5 ManningFaces
7:57 p.m. ET: Shorter Subway: "We put chips between bread! Apollo Ohno!" Rating: 1 ManningFace
7:47 p.m. ET: The differences between men and women, as exemplified by the two types of response to that Beckham H&M ad:
7:41 p.m. ET: The only thing more ridiculously surprising than this 22-0 score might've been Stephen Colbert cracking his head open to reveal a giant talking pistachio. Rating: 3.5 ManningFaces
7:40 p.m. ET: Was that a penis envy joke tossed into a Volkswagen ad involving angels and a child? Why yes, yes it was. We miss you, Volkswagen Mini-Darth. Rating: 3 ManningFaces.
7:30 p.m. ET: SquareSpace, you had me at, "We're a web service advertising at the Super Bowl that's not GoDaddy."
That you also railed on the scourges of duck face, Facebook photo whoring, and "Epic fail" in front of 100 million people sealed our friendship. The Internet will self-obsess over this one for days, or however long until the next thing comes up to distract it. So, for about 4 minutes. Rating: 4.5 ManningFaces.
7:22 p.m. ET: Tim Tebow, making what will turn out to be the only Super Bowl appearance of his lifetime. Rating: 2.5 ManningFaces
7:16 p.m. ET: "The 80s called. They want their store back." Radio Shack boldly saying what we've all been thinking about them for the last 20 years. And, because ALF, Teen Wolf, Mary Lou Retton, Hulk Hogan and both Kid and Play, somehow had schedule availability, they all made the most totally tubular set of 80s cameos ever. Rating: 5 ManningFaces
7:13 p.m. ET: Cheerios is back with the same mixed race family that somehow ignited a firestorm last year. Let's try not to humiliate ourselves with racism again everybody. Rating: 3.5 ManningFaces
7:07 p.m. ET: As someone who's pretty sure he's saved his children from certain doom a couple dozen times, that Hyundai ad felt so, so familiar. And let's hear it for some good, stereotype-defying dadvertising for a change! Keep that in mind once the Olympics' semi-annual tradition of mom-worshippng, dad-oblivious ads begin this week. Rating: 4.5 ManningFaces
7:02 p.m. ET: "Prepare to be crushed in tiny tennis" might not top "I'll be back" in the Arnold quote canon, but I'd be fine slotting it just above "I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle." Ian Rappaport might've just had the night of his llama-inclusive life, but Arnold going full Arnold was that peppy Bud Light ad's highlight. Rating: 3.5 ManningFaces
6:49 p.m. ET: A months-long, nationwide ad contest yielded that Time Machine spot for Doritos? This is why we can't have nice things, America. Rating: 1.5 ManningFaces (Extra .5 deduction for going with the ol' "men are dumb!" trope)
6:46 p.m. ET: Congrats to Chevy for making the sloppy lick of a cow's tongue something sensual. Though regrettably, it seems the Super Bowl ad tradition of objectifying females has now spread to cows. Will we stand for this, Jezebel?! Nonetheless... Rating: 4 ManningFaces
6:26 p.m. ET: That "Noah" trailer woulda been a lot cooler if they showed the part where the unicorns get left behind. :( Rating: 2.5 ManningFaces