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Candy Crush is torture. Sweet, delicious torture

NEED TO KNOW
  • The whole world loves this game. Except when it hates it
  • Begging friends for 'lives'? It's OK. Toni Braxton does it too
Candy Crush is torture. Sweet, delicious torture

Editor's note: Tweet Nothings is a weekly scroll through Twitter accounts that we follow so you don't have to.

Update: The company that makes Candy Crush, King Digital Entertainment, announced on Tuesday that it had filed for an initial public offering. This article on their addictive app originally ran in June 2013.

"Hey, you know what Creepy Mustache Man? Why don't YOU clear all the jelly?!?"  ...and other things which once would have sounded wildly inappropriate to yell out loud.

But not anymore! No, thanks to Candy Crush, we're all doing a lot more yelling and none of it makes any sense out of context.

"Lemme use that chocolate disco ball on the hot dog thing!"

"Lollipop hammer, you're useless!"

"I can quit any time I want to. You hear me?! Any time I... 30 minutes til my next life?? Oh just throw me out this window."

The massively popular app is more pleasingly addictive than the gleaming, sugary candies it cheerfully displays and yet more painful than the cavities in which binge eating on those candies often results. The world loves you, Candy Crush. When it's not hating you.

I know this not only from personal experience, but because Twitter has been filling up for months with these kinds of reminders.

And big shout-out to Candy Crush for turning us into pathetic Internet panhandlers, too.

Out of lives? Well you sure aren't gonna be the sucker who actually pays for this thing. So it's off to Facebook you go, like some sugar-fiending junkie, to badger people you haven't seen in five years for your fix.

But don't feel too bad about it. Know who else goes begging to their fake Internet friends? Toni Braxton.

Candy Crush Rage does not discriminate. Celeb or average schmo, we're all susceptible the moment we download it.

The stupid moment we stupid downloaded this stupid but awesome and ohmygod I love it YES! four blue thingies in a rowww!

Yup, and on and on and on it goes. Forever, basically.

In fact, there is really only one way to win at Candy Crush and holy smokes, you guys! ROSIE O'DONNELL FOUND IT!

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