Editor's note: Tweet Nothings is a weekly scroll through Twitter accounts that we follow so you don't have to.
Update: The company that makes Candy Crush, King Digital Entertainment, announced on Tuesday that it had filed for an initial public offering. This article on their addictive app originally ran in June 2013.
"Hey, you know what Creepy Mustache Man? Why don't YOU clear all the jelly?!?" ...and other things which once would have sounded wildly inappropriate to yell out loud.
But not anymore! No, thanks to Candy Crush, we're all doing a lot more yelling and none of it makes any sense out of context.
"Lemme use that chocolate disco ball on the hot dog thing!"
"Lollipop hammer, you're useless!"
"I can quit any time I want to. You hear me?! Any time I... 30 minutes til my next life?? Oh just throw me out this window."
The massively popular app is more pleasingly addictive than the gleaming, sugary candies it cheerfully displays and yet more painful than the cavities in which binge eating on those candies often results. The world loves you, Candy Crush. When it's not hating you.
I know this not only from personal experience, but because Twitter has been filling up for months with these kinds of reminders.
Candy crush almost makes me throw my phone across the room every time I play
— Lara Cairns (@layracurns) June 25, 2013
I know I'm late, but I'm addicted to Candy Crush. It's like a sugary digital version of what I'd imagine cocaine to be.
— Andrew Marlan (@AndrewMarlan) June 21, 2013
Big s/o to candy crush for ruining my life.
— Ryan Haggan (@RyaanHaggan) June 25, 2013
And big shout-out to Candy Crush for turning us into pathetic Internet panhandlers, too.
Out of lives? Well you sure aren't gonna be the sucker who actually pays for this thing. So it's off to Facebook you go, like some sugar-fiending junkie, to badger people you haven't seen in five years for your fix.
But don't feel too bad about it. Know who else goes begging to their fake Internet friends? Toni Braxton.
Guys! Someone send me some lives on Candy Crush! I'm stuck on level 40 :/
— Toni Braxton (@tonibraxton) June 24, 2013
Candy Crush Rage does not discriminate. Celeb or average schmo, we're all susceptible the moment we download it.
The stupid moment we stupid downloaded this stupid but awesome and ohmygod I love it YES! four blue thingies in a rowww!
I went from not talking to any of my high school friends to praying they give me lives on Candy Crush.
— Carlos Whittaker (@loswhit) June 22, 2013
Is it wrong that my first morning thought is having 5 lives in candy crush??
— just kelly (@Fab_TasticK) June 23, 2013
My girlfriend hasn't made eye contact with me since getting Candy Crush five days ago. She runs out of lives & just stares at the countdown.
— W. R. Bolen (@WRBolen) June 21, 2013
I hate Candy Crush. That being said, I'm addicted to it.
— Athletic Belle (@belleofaathlete) June 25, 2013
Yup, and on and on and on it goes. Forever, basically.
When you play candy crush it doesn't allow you to see what time it is. So minutes turn to hours without you knowing. It's a trap.
— Lucia Franco (@littlelucyy) June 25, 2013
In fact, there is really only one way to win at Candy Crush and holy smokes, you guys! ROSIE O'DONNELL FOUND IT!
Huge news - I DELETED CANDY CRUSH SAGA !!!! I admit I am powerless over striped candy and paid power ups !!!
— Rosie O'Donnell (@Rosie) May 13, 2013