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Arias: I wanted to take secrets to my grave

NEED TO KNOW
  • Defense wraps up re-direct; Jurors submit nearly 100 questions to Jodi Arias
  • Arias testified sex, beatings were common at Travis Alexander's house
  • Arias is accused of killing Alexander, but she says she did it in self-defense
Arias: I wanted to take secrets to my grave

Watch HLN's coverage of the Jodi Arias trial live, beginning at 12:30 p.m. ET each day court is in session.

The defense wrapped up its re-direct examination of Jodi Arias on Tuesday, and the judge said jurors have nearly 100 questions they want Arias to answer.

Attorneys for both sides in the case must review the questions before they are heard in court.

Arias’ defense attorney Kirk Nurmi tried to convince the jury that Travis Alexander's physical and sexual abuse pushed Arias to the point that she had to kill him in self-defense. He also attempted to paint Arias' ex-boyfriend as an abusive sexual deviant who was aroused by children.

Read more: HLN's live blog of Monday's testimony

On Tuesday, Nurmi continued his redirect examination of Arias, and picked up where he left off Monday, asking her about her journal entries. Arias read one of her entries in court Monday. In it, she wrote that her relationship with Alexander made her miserable. In another entry, Arias wrote that she wished she could die and wished suicide was a way out.

Read more: Flustered & floundering: The day Arias cracked

During his first day of redirect examination Monday, Nurmi asked Arias about Alexander’s sexual fantasies and physical abuse. As part of this questioning, for the second time, Nurmi asked Arias to show the jury how one of her fingers did not heal properly after Alexander allegedly broke it.

HLN is live-blogging Arias’ testimony. Read below for minute-by-minute updates from her testimony Monday (best read from the bottom):

6:34 p.m. ET: Nurmi has wrapped his re-direct examination of Arias, and judge Stephens has recessed court for the evening. Stephens said the jury has about 100 questions. The plan is for attorneys to start their review of the questions tomorrow morning. All the questions will be vetted before the jurors are brought in for their questions to be answered.

6:31 p.m. ET: Nurmi asked, "Would you rather have killed yourself than tell all the things that you’ve had to tell throughout the course of this trial?"

"At that time, and for years that followed, yes," replied Arias.

Nurmi asked, "Was keeping those secrets more important to you than your own life?"

"At that time, yes it was. I didn’t value my life much…I wanted to be dead," said Arias.

6:30 p.m. ET: Arias said she hoped to be dead, and she didn't want everyone to know her secrets.

6:29 p.m. ET: Arias said after Alexander's death she didn't want to say anything bad about him.

"This was a time when people were remembering the good things about him and I didn’t want to take away from that by sharing certain things I knew. I wanted to just share the good things that I knew also," said Arias.

6:28 p.m. ET: Arias said her plan was to never talk about the scope of their sexual relationship, and she didn't want to throw him under the bus. Nurmi wants to know if she planned to take those secrets to her grave.

6:26 p.m. ET: Arias said even after Alexander's death, she still wanted to keep their secrets from the public.

6:24 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking Arias if people knew what went on in Alexander's bedroom.

Nurmi asked, "Was there a secret life going on behind those doors?"

"Yes," replied Arias.

6:22 p.m. ET: From our producer in the courtroom:

Juror #1 Female sits closest to Jodi...during Arias' teary explanation for why she felt she had no choice but to kill Travis....

"It should have been me, maybe I did have a choice, and let him do what he was going to do and not fight back...it's not ok to kill someone under any circumstances," said Arias.

Juror #1 let out a big yawn--did not cover her mouth.

6:21 p.m. ET: The attorneys are at a sidebar with Judge Stephens.

6:20 p.m. ET: Arias said she wanted to die so she didn't think there was a point for everyone to know about their sexual relationship.

6:19 p.m. ET: Arias said she was ashamed of much more than just what happened the day Alexander died. She was also ashamed of certain aspects of her sexual relationship with Alexander.

6:18 p.m. ET: Nurmi is now asking Arias about how she lied to law enforcement after Alexander died. Arias said after Alexander's death, she just wanted to die, and she didn't want people to know she was capable of killing Alexander.

6:14 p.m. ET: Arias is crying as she testifies about Alexander's death and her actions afterwards.

6:13 p.m. ET: Nurmi is now asking about the voicemail, text message and email Arias sent Alexander after his death to establish an alibi. Arias she felt like she did something wrong, and she was worried about the repercussions.

6:11 p.m. ET: Nurmi asked, "Do you remember how you felt at that moment in time – when you were screaming and dropping the knife?"

"I can’t really describe it, it’s, it’s a horrible feeling. I felt…I don’t know, I felt panic. It’s horrible," replied Arias.

6:10 p.m. ET: Arias said she never intended on killing Alexander on June 4, 2008. Nurmi is showing her a picture of Alexander's body in the shower, and asking then why did happen. Arias said she doesn't remember she just panicked. Arias said he just kept coming after her, and she didn't have a choice.

6:07 p.m. ET: Nurmi asked, "Do you remember grabbing the gun?"

"I don’t remember grabbing the gun and taking it with me in the car," said Arias.

6:05 p.m. ET: Arias said she does not remember trying to clean up Alexander's bathroom or bedroom, and she doesn't remember putting his body in his shower.

6:04 p.m. ET:

 

6:02 p.m. ET: Arias said around this time her memory goes blank, and the only reason why she knows that she stabbed Alexander is based on logical assumptions.

6:01 p.m. ET: The gun went off and they both fell backwards towards Alexander's bathroom sinks.

6:00 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking Arias how far away Alexander was when he lunged at her like a linebacker.

Nurmi asked, "When he came out of the closet, was he saying anything?"

"I don’t recall words, but he was screaming and he had an angry tone and a loud volume," replied Arias.

Nurmi asked, "Were you scared?"

"Yes, I was very very scared," replied Arias.

Nurmi asked, "Were you still feeling as you did before, that this time was different, that he was going to kill you?"

"Yes," said Arias.

5:58 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking Arias if she hoped Alexander would stopped if she aimed the gun at him. Arias said she did hope he would stop, but he tackled her.

"I ran into the bathroom and I turned and I pointed it," said Arias.

Nurmi asked, "Pointed it in what direction?"

"In the direction of Travis," replied Arias.

5:55 p.m. ET: Arias said she turned around and pointed the gun at Alexander as he was heading towards her.

5:54 p.m. ET: Arias is now describing how she ran out of the closet and bolting away from Alexander as he was trying to make his way in.

5:51 p.m. ET:

 

5:50 p.m. ET:

"It was almost the angriest I had ever seen him. His anger escalated after the gun went off, but yeah, at this point I just didn’t want him to be on top of me again when he was angry… I was afraid that he was going to bring me to that edge again," said Arias.

Nurmi asked, "The edge being what?"

"Death," replied Arias.

5:49 p.m. ET: Arias is explaining how she found Alexander's gun in his closet after he attacked her on June 4, 2008.

5:48 p.m. ET:

5:47 p.m. ET:

"The very last time previous to this day that he got on top of me was when he choked me and I lost consciousness and I didn’t want him to have the advantage of that position again," said Arias.

5:44 p.m. ET: Arias said after Alexander threw her down on the bathroom floor. She rolled over, got up and ran.

5:41 p.m. ET: Nurmi asked Arias if she lost consciousness when she hit her head. Arias said she doesn't remember blacking out, but things get blurry around this time.

5:40 p.m. ET: Arias said after she dropped the camera Alexander tackled her, and she hit her head on the bathroom floor.

5:39 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking Arias to point out on a map of Alexander's bedroom and bathroom, where she dropped Alexander's camera. Arias testified that Alexander attacked her after she dropped his new camera.

5:35 p.m. ET: Arias said Alexander wanted to pictures taken of him in the shower the day he died, because he was in a good shape.

5:32 p.m. ET: Nurmi is now showing Arias a picture she took of Alexander months before he died.

 

5:30 p.m. ET:

5:29 p.m. ET: Nurmi is showing the jury a picture of Alexander just moments before he died, and asking Arias if he looked like he had shaved that day. The picture does seem to show that Alexander did have some stubble.

 

5:26 p.m. ET: The attorneys are at a sidebar with Judge Stephens.

5:25 p.m. ET: Nurmi asked Arias is she wants to remember the day Alexander died. Arias started to cry, and said she deserved to have those memories for what she did.

"There’s a part of me that doesn’t ever want to remember it, and a part of me that…I feel like I’m the person who deserves to sit with those memories that I don’t have right now," said Arias.

Nurmi asked, "Why do you feel like you deserve to live with those memories?"

"Because they were my actions and it’s my responsibility," said Arias.

5:24 p.m. ET: The attorneys are at a sidebar with judge Nelson. Choking back tears, Arias said she thought she deserved to live with those memories for what she did.

5:19 p.m. ET: Arias said she did say during cross-examination that she slashed Alexander's throat, but that was not a recollection. Her statement on the witness stand was based on logic.

5:16 p.m. ET: Arias said the only reason why she knows she stabbed Alexander is based on "logic." She also said she does not remember slashing Alexander's throat. The attorneys are at a sidebar with judge Stephens.

5:15 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking Arias about the events of June 4, 2008, the day Alexander died. Arias said she doesn't remember much after the gun went off.

5:13 p.m. ET: Arias is back on the stand, and her testimony is about to resume.

5:08 p.m. ET: Testimony should pick back up in a few minutes.

 

4:53 p.m. ET: Judge Stephens has recessed for the afternoon break until 5:10 p.m. ET.

4:52 p.m. ET: Arias said she Alexander refused to buy KY personal lubricant. She bought it to reduce pain.

“When you were in love with him, would it be fair to say that he had an all-access pass to your body?” asked Nurmi.

“Yes,” replied Arias.

4:50 p.m. ET:

4:48 p.m ET: The attorneys are at a sidebar with judge Stephens.

4:47 p.m. ET: Nurmi asked her if she could say no to Alexander when he wanted anal sex. She said she probably would have done it whenever he wanted, because she was in love with him.

4:43 p.m. ET: Arias said anal sex was painful, and Alexander would not go to the store to buy it.

4:40 p.m. ET: Nurmi is now asking Arias why she introduced Alexander to KY personal lubricant. The attorneys are now at a sidebar with judge Stephens.

4:38 p.m. ET: Arias said she thought the rope was placed on the floor after they were done using it.

4:35 p.m. ET: Nurmi is now asking Arias about how Alexander tied her up with a rope to his bed on June 4, 2008.

4:32 p.m. ET: On June 4, 2008, Alexander and Arias took sexually explicit photos. Nurmi showed part of one to the jury and asked Arias she looked she was having a good time. Arias said she was not comfortable.

“Are you happy there?” Nurmi asked.

“I was uncomfortable,” replied Arias.

Nurmi asked, “Then why were you posing for that picture?”

“Well, it’s something he had been wanting to do for a long time. He had the new camera, he was excited about it. It was closed doors, it was private and he said we could delete them,” replied Arias.

4:31 p.m. ET: Nurmi is now asking Arias how good of shape Alexander was in around the time of his death. Arias said he was in great shape, but she was not very active.

4:30 p.m. ET: Arias said she did not think she could run away when Alexander was violent. She said she thought about fighting back one time when he choked her until she passed out.

“At first I thought of clawing at his face but then I couldn’t do that. It didn’t feel right to gouge his eyes out or something. I didn’t have a lot of time to think because my arms got very heavy and I just remember falling and passing out," said Arias.

4:27 p.m. ET: Nurmi just pointed out there was a third incident of violence prior to June 4, 2008 in Alexander's bedroom.

Nurmi asked, “So you had sex behind closed doors and he beat you behind closed doors. Is that correct?”

“When I think of beating, I think of fists. He never hit me with his fists. But that’s where the violence occurred, and the one time in the car," replied Arias.

4:26 p.m. ET:

4:25 p.m. ET: Nurmi just pointed out that two violent episodes prior to June 4, 2008 happened in Alexander's bedroom.

4:22 p.m. ET: Nurmi is now walking Arias through incidents when Alexander got physically violent with her.

4:21 p.m. ET: Arias is explaining that when Alexander yelled at her she would not completely black out. She said described the sensation as being foggy. She also allegedly experienced these memory problems when he yelled at her over the phone.

4:20 p.m. ET:

Nurmi asked, “As far as this reaction goes, how is it different if at all before you met Travis Alexander and after you met Travis Alexander?

“There was no shaking, maybe just a little disorientation. I just remember when my dad would get in my face, similar things would happen with Travis. Like one time [my dad] was screaming at me and some of his spit got on me and I went to wipe it off and he took offense to that in a bad way. Sometimes my mom screams and I just, I don’t know, I don’t like to listen to it," replied Arias.

4:16 p.m. ET: Nurmi asked Arias if she had problems with her memory when he called her sexually explicit names. Arias said yes it did cause her to have those problems.

4:15 p.m. ET:

4:13 p.m. ET: Nurmi said when Alexander would yell at her she would have trouble remembering things, and eventually his yelling made her shake.

4:11 p.m. ET: Arias said she has trouble remembering things when people are yelling at her, and she says this condition began when she was 14 years old.

"I remember it really began when I was around 14, I think. It was not as prolific as when I was with Travis ultimately. My parents would yell at me over things and it sort of increased when I moved away for awhile and spent about 10 years away from that environment. It got a little bit better. There was one point when Darryl yelled at me in our entire relationship and I almost had a nervous breakdown. It was pretty intense. And then aside from those things, after getting together with Travis it took several months, about six months, but he began to snap and yell and like I said yesterday, he would check me," said Alexander.

4:08 p.m. ET:

4:06 p.m. ET: Nurmi has now moved on to asking Arias about arriving at Alexander's house on June 4, 2008, the day he died.

4:05 p.m. ET:

4:04 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking Arias when realizied her back license plate was turned upside down. Arias said it wasn't until June 5, the day after Alexander died that she found out her license plate was upside down.

3:59 p.m. ET: Arias said she didn't think the skaters did anything to her car at first. Now Arias is explianing how she found the front license plate of her rental car on the ground near where the skaters were standing.

3:58 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking Arias about the skaters that allegedly turned her license plate upside down on the her rental car.

3:55 p.m. ET: Nurmi is comparing gas receipts that are time stamped just minutes from each other. Nurmi wants to know which purchases from the car, and what purchases were for the gas tanks. Arias doesn't seem sure which reciepts correspond with the gas tanks.

"I was concerned about driving across that area in the middle of the night, being alone, never having driven that road before. So I wanted to make sure that I didn’t run out of gas. I wanted to make sure I didn’t run out of gas so I put gas first in my tanks so I didn’t run out of gas in the middle of nowhere, that was my fear," said Arias.

Nurmi asked, "So it wasn’t just about saving money, it was concern about running out of gas on the way to Utah?:

"I was hoping to save money but I was more concerned for my safety once I realized I was driving 12 hours to somewhere I had never driven before," replied Arias.

3:54 p.m. ET:

3:53 p.m. ET:

3:50 p.m. ET: Nurmi is pointing out Arias' gas reciepts do not show that she bought 15 gallons. However, one receipt shows she bought 11 gallons of gas.

3:49 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking Arias how much gas capacity she would have if she had three gas cans for her road trip to visit Alexander in June 2008. Arias she would have a reservoir of 15 gallons in the tanks.

3:43 p.m. ET: Arias is taking the stand. Testimony should begin any moment.

2:01 p.m. ET: Judge Stephens has recessed court for lunch. The live blog will pick back up when testimony resumes at 3:30 p.m. ET.

2:00 p.m. ET: Arias said she did not fill the gas tanks up all the way, because she was worried about them overflowing.

1:59 p.m. ET: Arias said she did not know how much gas the tanks could hold.

1:56 p.m. ET: Nurmi is now walking Arias threw gas receipts from her road trip to June 2008. Arias said she is not sure what receipts correspond to gas purchases for her can, and which receipts were from gas purchases to fill up the gas cans.

1:54 p.m. ET:

Nurmi asked, "Why purchase a third. You had two, why three?"

"Well I was thinking about, again, getting cheap gas out of state and after I got it, I thought it doesn’t really make sense, the math, and there’s not a lot of room in my trunk. It didn’t make as much sense as my idea originally just to fill up on gas and that kind of thing," replied Arias.

1:53 p.m. ET: Arias said she returned the gas can the same day, but she did borrow two gas cans from Darryl Brewer.

1:51 p.m. ET: Nurmi is now asking Arias about a gas can she bought for her road trip to visit Alexander in June 2008.

1:50 p.m. ET:

 

1:49 p.m. ET: Arias said she rented a car in Redding, California instead of Yreka, California, because it was the only location that would show up on priceline.com.

1:43 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking Arias about why she chose to rent a car for her fatal road trip to visit Alexander in June 2008.

READ MORE: Jodi Arias trial: The tragic road trip

1:42 p.m. ET:

1:41 p.m. ET: Nurmi is now asking Arias about the .25 caliber gun that went missing from her grandparents house shortly before Alexander died. It was the same caliber gun used to shoot Alexander.

1:40 p.m. ET:

Nurmi said, "Explain travis hitting your car."

"There was gridlock, five or six lanes of traffic, we were barely moving and he was driving my car. And he has zero tolerance for traffic jams, so he got very angry and began to swear and started banging the steering wheel with his fists and hitting the inside of the door, just screaming at other drivers," replied Arias.

1:39 p.m. ET:

1:38 p.m. ET:

Nurmi asked, "When he grabbed your arm and bent you over the desk on june 4, 2008, and had sex with you, did you view that as a mistake?"

"No," replied Arias.

Nurmi asked, "How did you view that?"

"By then we were engaging in all kinds of activities without any boundaries, and so it was just something he wanted to do and something I was fine with. Like I said, it was a way for him to relieve his anger," replied Arias.

Nurmi asked, "It was a way for what?

"For him to relieve his anger," replied Arias.

Nurmi asked, "Are you telling us this was an alternative to anger?"

"Yes, to it escalating," replied Arias.

Nurmi asked, "Escalating to violence?"

"Possibly…I didn’t want it to get any worse," replied Arias.

1:37 p.m. ET: Arias is back on the stand, and Nurmi is asking her about times she saw Alexander get violent to other people. Arias said she never saw he him get violent with anyone other than her.

1:27 p.m. ET: Judge Stephens has recessed court for five minutes.

1:26 p.m. ET:

 

1:24 p.m. ET:

1:23 p.m. ET: The attorneys are at a sidebar with judge Stephens.

1:21 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking Arias why she sent Alexander's grandmother flowers shortly after he died. Arias said she felt awful about what had happened, and she thought it was the right thing to do. She also said Alexander's grandmother was the only family member of his she had ever met.

1:20 p.m. ET:

 

1:19 p.m. ET: Arias said she called Alexander, T-Dog, sometimes.

1:16 p.m. ET: Arias is talking about how she wanted Alexander to get professional help for his sexual attraction to children. She also said she thought about cutting him off from sex, because he needed help.

1:14 p.m. ET:

"I wish I could turn back the clock and make some different decisions," read Arias from her journal.

Nurmi asked, "What did that mean?"

"Well, if I could go back in time I would choose differently with regard to Travis of course, and when I start thinking along those lines, I start thinking, well maybe I would have never gone to the MGM Grand, or maybe I never would have gotten involved with pre-paid legal, or maybe I would have never picked up that dvd and looked at it…at any point in time I could have made a different decisions and we’d all be in different places today," replied Arias.

1:13 p.m. ET: Arias wrote in her diary that "she wishes she could turn back the clock and make different decisions" in regard to Travis.

1:11 p.m. ET:

 

1:10 p.m. ET: "But it still remains that I cannot marry him. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something is just off with that boy," read Arias from her journal.

1:09 p.m. ET: In another entry, Arias wrote about being so upset about Alexander cheating on her, and him masturbating to an image to a little boy that she thought about ripping out pages of her journal.

 

1:03 p.m. ET: Arias also wrote there were certain things about Alexander she would never be able to accept. Arias testified that she was references the incident where she caught him masturbating to an image of a young boy.

1:00 p.m. ET: On January 24, 2008, Arias also wrote in here journal there was something "off" with Alexander, and she did not see herself marrying him. Arias testified Alexander proposed to her over the phone.

12:58 p.m. ET: Arias said she was "haunted" by his nice side, because it kept her hooked into the relationship.

12:56 p.m. ET: In another, entry Arias wrote Alexander showed her unconditional love, and she is "almost haunted by it."

12:55 p.m. ET: Nurmi is showing the jury a journal entry from January 24, 2012. This entry was written shortly after Arias allegedly witnessed Alexander masturbating to an image of a young boy. Arias wrote there was nothing worth mentioning in the entry. Arias just testified she did not write about the incident with Alexander, because she did not want to remember it.

12:50 p.m. ET: Prosecutor Juan Martinez is asking Arias about when one of her journal entries was written.

12:48 p.m. ET: Arias is still reading her journal entry.

12:46 p.m. ET: Arias is reading one her journal entries to herself.

12:45 p.m. ET: Arias is on the stand, and Nurmi is showing the jury one of her journal entries.

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