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Arias diary: Travis makes me sick and happy

  • Ripped-out journal pages detail suicidal thoughts
  • Jurors hear re-edited portions of phone sex recording between Arias, Alexander
  • Arias is accused of killing her ex-boyfriend, but she claims it was in self-defense
Jodi Arias admitted killing Travis Alexander, but she claims it was in self-defense.

HLN is covering the Jodi Arias trial live gavel-to-gavel as it comes to its dramatic conclusion, beginning at 12:30 p.m. ET each day court is in session. HLN's coverage is starting at 12:30 p.m. ET Tuesday.

Jodi Arias was back on the witness stand Monday as the defense tried to repair any damage caused by prosecutor Juan Martinez's intense cross-examination. 

Defense attorney Kirk Nurmi asked Arias questions during his redirect examination in an attempt to re-establish her credibility with the jury.

Read more: Flustered & floundering: The day Arias cracked

Earlier in the day, the jurors heard re-edited portions of the phone sex recording made by Arias and her ex-boyfriend Travis Alexander as the defense tried to show how he was sexually abused toward Arias. 

Nurmi also asked Arias what infidelity means to her. She responded by saying it means someone who is in a committed relationship and engages in sexual activity with someone else. He later asked her about the acts of infidelity Alexander committed when they were a couple.

Last week, Martinez bombarded Arias with questions about the day she killed Alexander. Arias says she killed Alexander in self-defense after he attacked her. Nurmi's redirect examination will be another opportunity for Arias to explain her memory lapses, and to talk about evidence that could point to premeditation.

If Arias is convicted of killing her ex-boyfriend Travis Alexander, she could face the death penalty.

Read more: In Session's live blog of Thursday's testimony

HLN is live-blogging Arias’ testimony. Read below for minute-by-minute updates from her testimony Monday (best read from the bottom): 

6:30 p.m. ET: Judge Stephens has recessed court for day. Testimony will pick back up tomorrow at 12:30 p.m. ET.

6:29 p.m. ET: In another entry, Arias wrote she wished she could die, and she wished suicide was a way out.


6:28 p.m. ET: Arias read one of her journal entries to the jury, where she talks about her emotions for Alexander. She wrote he made her, "sick."

"Well it’s a good thing that nobody else reads this because I write right now that I love Travis Victor Alexander so completely that I don’t know any other way to be. I wish I did because at times my heart is sick and saddened over all that has come to pass, I don’t understand it and at times still have a hard time believing it. He makes me sick and he makes me happy. He makes me sad and miserable. And he makes me feel uplifted and beautiful. All in all I shouldn’t be wording it as though he makes me feel those things. it all originates from within, all of my darkness is a result of my own creation, it is the fruit of my thoughts planted continually and with too much repetition," read Arias from her journal.

6:25 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking Arias about where in her journal she tore out pages.

6:22 p.m. ET: In one part of the entry, Arias wrote about the range of emotion she felt when she was with Alexander. She also wrote about her thoughts of suicide.

6:19 p.m. ET: Arias just finished reading the entry from August 26, 2007, to herself. She said in the entry she said she wrote about Alexander.

6:15 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking Arias to read her an entry from her journal.

6:14 p.m. ET:


6:11 p.m. ET: Martinez is pointing out that a large part of one of Arias' attorneys does not mention Alexander, and is mostly about the law of attraction. Nurmi objected, and now the attorneys are at a sidebar.

6:08 p.m. ET: Prosecutor Martinez is asking Arias about notes about some notes on copies of her journal entries. Arias said she did not write those notes.

6:04 p.m. ET: The attorneys are at a sidebar with judge Stephens.

6:03 p.m. ET:

Nurmi asked, "Why would you not write anything about seeing Mr. Alexander masturbate to the image of a child?"

"There are a lot of reasons. The biggest reason is I couldn’t imagine writing something like that… You know, ‘today I walked in on Travis beating off to pictures of kids.’ I couldn’t write something like that in my journal because that’s horrific to me," replied Arias.

6:02 p.m. ET:

6:00 p.m. ET: Nurmi wants to know why she wouldn't write about Alexander's sexual attraction to children. She said she wanted to focus on his good qualities, and he would make her tear it out if he ever saw it.

5:58 p.m. ET: Arias said she didn't want to write negative things in her journal, because she believed in the law of attraction.

"The emotion changes the vibration on a molecular level within your body and that in turn affects your environment around you in a subtle way in that it can draw negative things or positive things depending on what your predominant thoughts are," said Arias.

5:54 p.m. ET: Nurmi asked, "Why did you remove the partial page and the one following it?"

"It’s pretty vague now, but I was just going on and on about suicide, it was pretty negative. There are a lot of entries about that, but this one was just a lot more. I don’t know it was just very negative about myself and I didn’t want it to be in my journal anymore," replied Arias.

5:53 p.m. ET: Arias said she didn't want anything negative in her journal, because it was a tradition in the Mormon faith to pass them down to future generations.

5:51 p.m. ET: Arias said she ripped out some pages of her journal. The pages contained her thoughts about suicide, and it was so negative she ripped them out so they were not in her journal anymore.

5:46 p.m. ET: Arias is back on the stand. Nurmi is asking Arias about the journals she kept.

5:41 p.m. ET: The attorneys are discussing something with Judge Stephens.

5:36 p.m. ET: The judge is back on the bench, and testimony should resume in a few moments.

5:23 p.m. ET: Arias told the jury about a girl Alexander wanted to have a threesome with, but prosecutor Martinez objected. They were about to go to a sidebar, when Judge Stephens recessed court for 10 minutes.

5:21 p.m. ET: Arias is talking about acts of infidelity Alexander committed when they were boyfriend and girlfriend. She is talking about the time she caught Alexander making out with another girl at his house.

5:18 p.m. ET:

Nurmi asked, "Tell us what your belief of being monogamous in a relationship means?"

"Well in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, it can mean a lot of things to a lot of people. But to me it means that you’re committed to that person, that you’re not with other people, sleeping with other people or maybe…there’s a grey area, but you’re not acting inappropriately with other people," said Arias.

5:17 p.m. ET:

5:16 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking Arias what infidelity means to her. She said it means someone who is in a committed relationship and engages in sexual activity with someone else.

5:12 p.m. ET:

5:09 p.m. ET: The attorneys are at a sidebar with judge Stephens.

5:05 p.m. ET: Arias said Alexander's comment about how hot here body was made her feel good.

5:04 p.m. ET: In another clip, Alexander tells Arias he wants to make "legitimate porn."

5:03 p.m. ET: Nurmi asked, "When he was using the tootsie pops on you, was it physically pleasurable to you?"

"There was some physical pleasure, I guess. It wasn’t uncomfortable," replied Arias.

Nurmi then asked "What other pleasure did you derive from that?"

"His attention, I guess. It sounds simple, but it was just about us. We shut the door and it was our own space and our time together. So I enjoyed that," replied Arias.

5:00 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking if Arias enjoyed it when Alexander used Tootsie Pops in a sexual manner. She said it was not uncomfortable.

4:58 p.m. ET: Nurmi asked, "Were you flattered that he wanted to perform oral sex on you for so long?"

"Of course I was flattered, he wanted to surprise me I think. But yeah, I was flattered. I was kind of embarrassed, but I was flattered," replied Arias.

4:57 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking Arias if she ever acted out Alexander's fantasy of tying her to a tree and having sex with her. Arias said she had found a tree that could have worked.

4:52 p.m. ET: Nurmi asked "Would you get positive attention from him during those 2 or 3 hours?"

"Yes I did," replied Arias.

Nurmi asked, "And you enjoyed that positive attention, right?"

"Yes, always," replied Arias.

4:51 p.m. ET: In yet another clip, Alexander brags about having two- to three-hour sexual sessions with Arias.

4:48 p.m. ET: Another clip is played for the jury, where Alexander said he masturbated two to three times a day.

4:47 p.m. ET: Nurmi is playing the recording, where Alexander tells Arias she sounded like a 12-year-old girl having an orgasm. Arias said she didn't want him to say that statement.

Nurmi asked, "Is it something you wanted him to say?"

"I just wanted him to say what he wanted to say. I didn’t get specific," said Arias.

4:46 p.m. ET: Testimony is about to pick back up. The judge is telling the jurors about how they will see a transcript along with the audio of portions of the phone sex recording between Arias and Alexander.

4:40 p.m. ET: From our producer in the courtroom:

While we have heard portions of the sex tape played in the courtroom, this time the defense has strung together those portions of the sex tape that highlight Alexander's fantasies, which include his comment about her sounding like a 12-year-old, bondage, rape, taking photos and the videotaping of their sex acts. It appears the judge will allow the recording along with the transcript.

4:31 p.m. ET: The attorneys are at a sidebar with judge Stephens.

4:27 p.m. ET: The jury was sent out of the courtroom for this portion of Arias' testimony. The defense is replaying part of the phone sex call where Travis begins by saying, "You sound like a 12-year-old girl having her first orgasm. So hot..." This is accompanied by a transcript being played on the court's viewing screens.

4:25 p.m. ET:



4:22 p.m. ET: Judge Stephens has recessed court for 15 minutes.

4:19 p.m. ET: The attorneys are at a sidebar.

4:17 p.m. ET:

"It just kept escalating and that’s when he sent me another picture of himself. We just kept trying to top ourselves so we were trying to get more graphic and explicit," said Arias.

4:16 p.m. ET: Arias said she sent sexual text messages to Alexander to keep things interesting.

4:14 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking about how sometimes Arias derived physical and emotional pleasure having sex with Alexander. Arias said she was also motivated to have sex with Alexander, because he felt more normal afterwards.

4:11 p.m. ET:

Nurmi asked, "There were some instances as you just told us where it was painful, correct?"

"Yes," replied Arias.

Nurmi asked, "That painful interaction on the day of your baptism, was that enjoyable to you? On any level?"

"That particular segment was not enjoyable at all," replied Arias.

4:09 p.m. ET: Arias said she derived pleasure by giving Alexander sexual pleasure.

4:08 p.m. ET:

4:07 p.m. ET:

Nurmi asked, "Did he ever compare parts of your anatomy to other women?"

"Yes, he does on the sex tape," replied Arias.

4:06 p.m. ET: The attorneys are at a sidebar.

4:05 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking Arias about her first anal sex encounter with Arias. Arias said it was painful, and it happened shortly after she was baptized.

4:04 p.m. ET: Arias said she only had anal sex four times before meeting Alexander.

4:03 p.m. ET:  Nurmi is asking Arias about her first anal sex experience with her high school boyfriend. Arias said she only did it a couple times with the high school boyfriend, and she barely engaged in anal sex with other boyfriends prior to Alexander.

4:00 p.m. ET: Nurmi asked, "What made you believe Travis knew what he was doing?"

"He had bragged about it prior to that, somewhat, that he had studied the female anatomy. Even thought I wasn’t expecting things to go that far that night, once they did, it was obvious to me that he knew what he was doing. I’ve had other intimate relationships in the past so I was able to make a comparison in my mind," replied Arias.

3:58 p.m. ET:

Nurmi asked, "The second sexual encounter, that was the oral sex in your car, correct?"

"Correct," replied Arias.

Nurmi asked, "Did he do anything to make you believe that this wasn’t his first encounter of this nature?"

"Yes, he flipped the visor down and angled the mirror so he could have an additional visual vantage point," replied Arias.

3:57 p.m. ET: The attorneys are at another sidebar.

3:56 p.m. ET: Arias said after engaging in sexual activity with Alexander she could tell he knew what he was doing.

3:55 p.m. ET:

Nurmi asked, "He never led you to believe he was a virgin through his words?"

"No if anything he led me to believe the exact opposite," replied Arias.

Nurmi asked, "The exact opposite being what?"

"He had more sexual partners than I’ve had, but it may have been over a longer range of time," replied Arias.

3:54 p.m. ET: The attorneys are at a sidebar.

3:53 p.m. ET:


3:51 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking Arias about the first time she engaged in sexual activity with Alexander. Arias said she had oral sex with Alexander shortly after meeting him at a convention. Arias said Alexander led her to believe that he was very experienced sexually.

3:49 p.m. ET: The attorneys are reviewing records during their sidebar.

3:47 p.m. ET: Nurmi asked Arias if Alexander was a virgin before they met and prosecutor Martinez objected. They are now at a sidebar.

3:45 p.m. ET:

"I mean I knew we were still not together, still single, but when I saw him with that girl, I thought maybe I should ask if he is dating someone else and just hasn’t told me. Or find out what the status is so I can find out where I stand," said Arias.

3:43 p.m. ET: The attorneys are at a sidebar.

3:42 p.m. ET: Nurmi said he is confused why it was ok for Alexander to make out with another girl, but she couldn't hang out with other guys. Alexander did not like her to hangout with other men especially ones who did not follow the Mormon faith.

3:39 p.m. ET: Defense attorney Nurmi is asking Arias about her relationship with Alexander after they broke up. Arias said Alexander continued to "court" her after they broke up.

3:34 p.m. ET: Judge Stephens is back on the bench. Testimony should continue any minute.

2:00 p.m ET: Judge Stephens has recessed court for lunch. The live blog will pick back up when testimony resumes at 3:30 p.m. ET.

1:58 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking Arias whether she could assert herself in her relationship with Alexander. Arias said no. She didn't think she could be assertive.

1:57 p.m. ET: Arias said she had a conversation with Alexander about whether he would tell her if he started having sex with someone else after they broke up. However, they did not discuss sexually transmitted diseases.

1:55 p.m. ET: Nurmi asked "So in terms of your relationship with Mr. Alexander then, there were times when you were all the way up here on a pedestal, right?"

"Yes," replied Arias.

Nurmi asked "You were also down on the ground, is that correct?"

"Yes," replied Arias.

Nurmi asked, "Were you kicked when you were on the ground?"

"Once I was, yes. On one occasion I mean, he kicked me twice," replied Aras.

1:53 p.m. ET:

1:52 p.m. ET: Arias said one time Alexander woke her up by having sex with her. She said she thought it may have been a mistake, because he was half asleep.

Nurmi asked, "So you didn’t have vaginal intercourse until you were boyfriend and girlfriend, correct? That would have been the first time..."

"Yeah, but it wasn’t regular. I kind of looked at it like an accident or a mistake. And we didn’t do that again until after we broke up, replied Arias.

Nurmi asked, "You say that you saw this first encounter where he was inside you with his penis as an accident or a mistake. Is that right?"

"Yes," replied Arias.

Nurmi asked, "He places his penis in your vagina when you’re asleep, right?"

"Yes," replied Arias.

Nurmi said, "And you just told us you wrote that off to a mistake."

"That’s how I looked at it," replied Arias.

1:50 p.m. ET: Nurmi asked Arias what the Mormon law chastity prohibited. She said at the time she thought the only thing that it prohibited was premartial vaginal sex.

1:49 p.m. ET: Arias is talking about her sexual relationship with Alexander. She said after they broke up she thought there was a chance they would get back together, but she wasn't sure.

1:45 p.m. ET: Arias said Alexander put her on a pedestal, and it made her feel special.

1:44 p.m. ET:


1:43 p.m. ET: Arias said there was multiple times he made her feel like a goddess, when their hearts and minds were aligned.

1:42 p.m. ET: Defense attorney Nurmi is asking Arias about how Alexander made her feel like a goddess.

1:41 p.m. ET: Arias said she still feels affection for Alexander even today, and the words she wrote in his memorial guestbook are still true.

1:39 p.m. ET:

"When he sweared at me…I just thought, I didn’t want to have children with someone who could speak to their mother that way… So I still loved him, but I began to pull back from the idea of a future with him," said Arias.

1:38 p.m. ET: Arias is crying as defense attorney Nurmi reads the note she wrote in the guestbook.

1:36 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking Arias about the note she left in a guestbook at his memorial service in June 2008.

1:33 p.m. ET: Arias is telling the jury about how her relationship with Alexander had several ups and downs. In April 2008, Arias said her feelings for Alexander were complicated, because they still had a sexual relationship.

1:29 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asked Arias if she loved Alexander in April 2008, and Arias said, "Yes, she did."

1:27 p.m. ET: Arias sent Alexander a text in April 2008, where she called him an 'inspiration." Arias said Alexander was an inspirational speaker, and he counseled her on all kinds of issues.

1:25 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking Arias about why she thought Alexander was a good guy. Arias said he made her realize she could reach her potential.

1:21 p.m. ET: The defense is reviewing materials with the court right now.

1:16 p.m. ET: Arias said after Alexander broke her finger, he made a splint for the finger and put ice on it. She said he was "endearing."

1:15 p.m. ET: The attorneys are at a sidebar.

1:14 p.m. ET: Arias held up her hand to the jury so they could see how her finger doesn't bend properly.

1:10 p.m. ET:

Nurmi asked, "Prior to June 4, immediately prior I should say, did you have any suffering injuries to either one of your hands?"

"Yes," replied Arias.

Nurmi asked "Can you tell us how those injuries occurred?"

"I believe it was my index finger and I was putting away big margarita glasses at work," replied Arias.

Arias said, "When were you putting away these margarita glasses?"

"If I remember correctly, it was June 1. That’s what the date stamp said on the photo," replied Arias.

"I was just moving too fast and I was being… I was a little bit clumsy, not intentionally, but I just um… There's a metal shelf beneath the bar and that’s where they all sit and cool off, because when they come out of the dish washer they’re really hot… So they have to cool off before we put margaritas in them or they’ll crack. So I was rotating the cool ones from the back out and putting the hot ones in the back…and as I was reaching in with my hand I hit some of the metal and I think it peeled back some of the skin and I think it was a wound," said Arias.


1:09 p.m. ET: Arias said she cut her finger at a Mexican restaurant on May 31 or June 1, 2008. She also said she doesn't remember if this injury was healed by June 4 or June 5.

1:06 p.m. ET: Arias is explaining why she took photos of her cuts. Nurmi is about to show the photos to the jury.

1:05 p.m. ET: The attorneys are at a sidebar with judge Stephens.

1:04 p.m. ET: Arias is not talking about how she cut her hand on some glass at a Mexican restaurant she worked at as a waitress.

1:00 p.m. ET: Nurmi is showing the jury a picture of Arias' hand that shows she does not have an injury to her hand. Earlier in the trial, Arias said Alexander broke her finger and it did not heal properly.

12:57 p.m. ET: Arias said she did not go to Alexander's home with intent to kill him on June 4, 2008.

Defense attorney Nurmi asked, "Did you go to Mr. Alexander’s home on June 4 with the intent of killing him?"

"No I didn’t," said Arias.

12:56 p.m. ET: Nurmi is asking Arias about why she was forced to kill Alexander. She explains that Alexander was trying to kill her so she had to defend herself.

12:53 p.m. ET: Defense attorney Nurmi begins by asking Arias if she was forced to testify. The attorneys are now at a sidebar with Judge Stephens.

12:51 p.m. ET: Arias is back on the witness stand. Testimony should begin shortly.

12:38 p.m. ET: The judge's assistant told our producer in the courtroom that there will be an additional 10- to 15-minute delay before testimony begins.

12:35 p.m. ET: Testimony should begin in a few moments.

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