Sure, there are some obvious problems with the very adult video from 9-year-old rapper Lil Poopy, including that his name is Lil Poopy. Those Massachusetts authorities investigating possible child abusemight want to begin their investigation with that fact and make their way down the list.
But there are also some less obvious, yet no less egregious, issues we have with this video. Here's a chronological breakdown of Lil Poopy's big problems.
0:13 What's a 9-year-old doing in the car without a seat belt on? And in the front seat no less??
0:26 That's a really bad lip synch.
0:40 He can't drive. Why are we flossin' with the Ferrari?? You're 9. Grab a low-rider bicycle and get mean on that instead.
0:44 Coke is a bad word. Maybe not like your more high-rent bad words, but 9-year-olds have little business drinking soda, much less rapping a whole song about it. What rhymes with flax seed? Also: Mayor Mike Bloomberg would probably, rightly, beg to differ with your assertion.
0:45 Ohhhh, you’re telling me people are saying the "coke" thing is a reference to cocaine? Well that's not good.
0:49 Come on, Red Pants Lady. Surely you have better things to do than grind all over a child's music video. Know what's worse than being a rap video Booty Girl? Being a rap video Booty Girl for a fourth-grader.
1:00 That's not how you eat filet mignon or lobster.
1:15 Sampling 2 Live Crew is actually a great idea. But you know what they say after the frequently looped "pop that" in this sample? (Hint: It's unpublishable and also the 3rd "P" in O.P.P.) So, you know, definitely not a word or song for any kid to be singing along to.
1:20 Nobody from the Celtics' home turf should be name-checking Dwayne Wade.
1:26 Is he in a nightclub?! What is he doing in a nightclub?! WHY is he in a nightclub?!
1:27...and clutching a huge stack of dollar bills, too? The three things every 9-year-old should value: Ferraris, soda and money.
1:38 Again, you should not be drinking soda, Lil Poopy.
1:39 Again, your name is Lil Poopy, Lil Poopy.
1:45 What just happened to your voice?!
1:59 His dog is missing?? What are we all doing just sitting around making a video?!
2:29 What woman lets her bouncing backside get spanked by a 9-year-old? And on camera?? After they talk to the parents, I think we have someone new for the police to talk to.
But wait! It gets worse! Come back next time when we break down the 104 worst things about Lil Poopy at the Dominican Festival:
Follow Jonathan Anker on Twitter @JonFromHLN