Are you ready for some... commercials?!?
So are we, so let's start talking about them right here.
The Super Bowl is, ostensibly, Sunday's main event. But we all know millions upon millions of football fans and non-fans alike are gathering around tonight as much to watch the ads as they are to watch Ray Lewis scream a lot and the Harbaugh brothers create decades worth of awkward Thanksgivings.
From the first ad (which will be for Budweiser because this is a football game) to the last (presumably a plea to be the first on your block to purchase championship gear for the winning team) we'll be providing real time reactions and clips for tonight's ads. We'll also be scoring the ads on a scale of 1 to 5 Screaming Ray Lewises.
We want you to weigh-in too, so jump in the comments with your reactions and let's get this ad-fest going. You can also talk with us about the commercials on Twitter by tweeting your opinions to @JonFromHLN or @HLNTV.
10:44 p.m. ET: We all know the 49ers lost because that guy's wife washed the Montana Miracle stain, right?
10:33 p.m. ET: That Samsung ad looked like an outtake from "The 40-Year-Old Virgin". Just about long enough too. Which is why it also carried a similar budget: The 2-minute ad cost Samsung $15.2 million. Just for the airtime. Hunching Lebron James, Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd and Bob Odenkirk don't work for free. Rating: 4 Screaming Rays
10:15 p.m. ET: And here I was expecting all the best ads to be bunched at the start of the game. Well another really good one there with Tide's Joe Montana stain. Tide has a thing for turning stains into stars. Remember their 'chatty stain' series of ads? Those were pretty good. This was better. Rating: 4 Screaming Rays
10:08 p.m. ET: The shorter Kia 'Space Babies': "You were made inside your mom and delivered by an OB-GYN. You buckled in back there?" Rating: 3.5 Screaming Rays
10:00 p.m. ET: Living rooms across America just went silent for one minute, the sounds of crunching chips and power outage jokes replaced by... Paul Harvey? It happened. And Dodge Ram's pitch perfect ode right there to the farmer might have been the game's best ad. At the very least, it was this year's "Halftime In America". That's a really good thing. Rating: 5 Screaming Rays
9:53 p.m. ET: Know what? The NFL makes some pretty good commercials. Happened last year and we just saw it again. Totally underrated. Leon Sandcastle? Looking a lot better than that E*Trade baby right now. And I don't even really like Deion Sanders all that much. Rating: 4 Screaming Rays
9:43 p.m. ET: The reactions to that Budwesier/Fleetwood Mac ad covers an impressive range of emotions -- from weeping to weeping lots.
— Carolina Bermudez (@TheRealCarolina) February 4, 2013
Judge me: I just teared up from that Budweiser commercial #clydesdales
— Tyler Beede (@TylerBeede11) February 4, 2013
everyone in my apartment is crying from rewatching that #Clydesdales commercial. does this always happen at Super Bowl parties?
— Sylvia Crump (@sylviacrump) February 4, 2013
Rating: 3 Screaming Rays
9:35 p.m. ET: That "No Diggity"-singing fish is gonna make us buy a Beck's? Alright, so "90s R&B jam + anthropomorphic animal" is the new construct to sell beer then. Sounds fun. Let's try!
I'll go first... ummm, an eagle + "Waterfalls". A unicorn + "Bump N Grind" OK, your turn... #AnimalJamz
Rating: 1.5 Screaming Rays
9:27 p.m. ET: PSY just found 15 more minutes inside a pistachio shell! Good for him. Rating: 2 Screaming Rays
9:22 p.m. ET: "30 Rock" may be gone, but Tracy Morgan's ridiculously over-the-top schtick lives on. A good day for America. A pretty good ad for Mio. Rating: 3 Screaming Rays
9:12 p.m. ET: Well safe to say the power outage has replaced both the ads and Beyonce as the Super Bowl's premier side show. Here's more on the weirdest 40 minutes in Super Bowl history, from our friends at Bleacher Report.
8:41 p.m. ET: E*Trade baby, I want so badly to find you funny. But if this concept has now reached the point that E*Trade is spending nearly $4 million to air some rudimentary Photoshops bracketed by 20 seconds of "Meh", then we just need to start recruiting daycares for some new talent. Rating: 1.5 Screaming Rays
First Half Ad Recap, from Consumerist.com senior editor Chris Morran:
Hyundai -- Santa Fe
Apparently driving a Hyundai Santa Fe makes you hallucinate, and gives children super powers. But does it get good city/highway MPG?
Budweiser -- Black Crown
“Smooth and distinctive” is Budweiser code for “higher alcohol content.” Black crown refers to all the bruises you’ll have the next morning after picking a fight at the bar.
Audi -- Prom
Giving your kid an Audi on prom night will turn him into a jerk that assaults young woman and gets beaten up for doing so.
GoDaddy -- The Kiss
That guy made more than most of us will in a year to kiss a pretty woman. Think about that the next time you tell your kid there’s no point to a drama degree.
Doritos -- Goat
A huge step down from last year’s cat-killing dog ad. And what does it say that PepsiCo is marketing Doritos by associating them with an animal that is considered to be a walking trash compactor?
My vote for the dullest ad of the night; maybe tied with the Budweiser Black Crown spots. This one is just more of the same “this drink tastes so good I don’t notice all the crazy stuff going on around me right now” that you’ve already seen in Pepsi Next ads.
Random thoughts and observations:
-- A very disappointing first half of commercials. Can’t pick out any that I think people will be blabbing about tomorrow. Maybe some misguided folks will try impersonating the not-Jamaican guy from the Volkswagen “Get Happy” spot that, unless I’m mistaken, has already been airing on TV.
-- Honestly, the CBS ads were funnier than most of the ads that brands paid $4 million for. The biggest laugh of the night here was the Survivor spot that promised to reveal the winner, and did... sort of.
Continue reading Chris' complete thoughts on the first half of Super Bowl ads right here!
7:58 p.m. ET: Halftime! So aside from Jacoby Jones and every single person in Baltimore, who do you think are the big winners of the first half? Our Screaming Ray Lewis rating system has Toyota and Hyundai out front. Your picks?
We also have an awesome first half ad recap on the way from Consumerist.com senior editor Chris Morran.
7:48 p.m. ET: Yo, that "Cocoon" prequel looks amazing. Rating: 3.5 Screaming Rays
(Bonus fact: Beverely, who you see above, was on HLN Friday and said she just did a pole dance for a new movie she's in. Hey look, football's on.)
7:43 p.m. ET: While you're sitting there pounding chips, guac, soda, football-shaped cupcakes and chicken wings, Subway would like to drop a Jared-sized guilt trip on you. Rating: 1 Screaming Ray
7:38 p.m. ET: And there it is. Volkswagen's "C'mon Be Happy" ad, the only commercial to generate some controversy before the game, for what some critics have called a racist portrayal of people from Jamaica.
But you know who's OK with the ad? Jamaica. See? Their government basically says, chill out, it's funny. Translation: "C'mon be happy!" OMG! Just like in the ad! Stop stereotyping Jamaicans, Jamaica! Rating: 3 Screaming Rays
7:31 p.m. ET: Questioning my faith in all I've ever believed right now. Pretty sure I just witnessed a GoDaddy ad that was both absent any half-naked women and included some legitimately clever humor. What is going on here, universe? GoDaddy possibly putting together a better redemption story here than Ray Lewis. Speaking of which... Rating: 3.5 Screaming Rays
7:20 p.m. ET: So Doritos gets all these fan-submitted ads and this is so far the best we can do, America? A sociopathic goat and a bunch of men dressed as princesses? The crumbs in the beard of that "princess" who looks like a lost member of Mumford & Sons though was a nice touch. Rating (for both ads): 2.5 Screaming Rays
7:18 p.m. ET:
Why do men's underwear commercials look like they're aimed at women and women's underwear commercial look aimed at men? #calvinklein
— Rubina Madan Fillion (@rubinafillion) February 4, 2013
7:13 p.m. ET: Also: ROBIN SPARKLES!! Where are my "HIMYM" people tonight??
7:12 p.m. ET: That Toyota/Kaley Cuoco ad? Clubhouse leader. That one was pretty great on every level –- aaaand a super-overdue re-imagining of the whole little girl “princess” thing. Less pink, more body armor! Rating: 5 Screaming Rays
7:05 p.m. ET: Amy Poehler is fantastic. ("Will this one read '50 Shades of Grey' to me in a sexy voice?") However, perhaps it would have been a better use of Best Buy's $3.8 million to just run 30-seconds worth of comically libelous accusations and complaints about Amazon. Rating: 2.5 Screaming Rays
Amy Poehler in a washing machine twitter.com/michaelhayes/s…
— BuzzFeed (@BuzzFeed) February 3, 2013
6:57 p.m. ET: Ugh. Seriously unsure if I'm sexy enough to drink Budweiser Black Crown. That looks like an intense crowd of sud guzzlers. Rating: 2 Screaming Rays
6:42 p.m. ET: First official batch of commercials a tad underwhelming. However, an M&M with Meatloaf? We already have a clear front-runner for the evening's Most Delicious Ad.
6:30 p.m. ET: OK, I was going to wait til after kick-off, but that Hyundai ad was kinda fun, right?
I'm glad my kid is busy eating dinner now. Cause that commercial would have just convinced him that all the OTHER dads take their kids on high-speed chases with outlaw biker gangs and let their kids dress as DIY robots while shooting 8-bit arcade bad guys out of the sky... And let The Flaming Lips come over for dinner. I sort of forget what model they were selling, but that was a fun (if daddy stakes-raising) one right there. Rating: 4 Screaming Ray Lewises
Follow Jonathan Anker on Twitter @JonFromHLN