A perfectly good Sunday night ruined.
If this is your general take on the arrival of Super Bowl XLVII(or, 47 for those not yet born during the Roman empire) and all of its "Downton Abbey"-overshadowing time and attention-hoarding, you have a couple of options.
First, find a quiet place in a far-away corner of your home where, undisturbed by various football noises from the TV or partyguests, you and your laptop can watch the Puppy Bowl alllll night long -- or until you get bored with it, 'cause fair warning, even boundless cuteness starts to get monotonous after about 15 minutes.
Your other option is to completely fool everyone around you into thinking you actually know/care about all of this American football sport championship match. Or, if you don't totally want to blow your cover so quickly, what you can call the "Super Bowl".
Let's face it: Football conversations between now and Sunday night will be almost impossible to avoid, and you might as well impress (trick?) your friends, in-laws, boss -- or whoever else you bump into over the seven-layer dip -- with your sudden surge in brilliant football insights.
So here's your cheat sheet. Read it, memorize it, maybe print it out or subtly read straight off your smartphone when your neighbor yells across the yard asking what you think about the 49ers' zone read Pistol offense (it's pretty awesome, by the way, especially if their offensive lineman can hold the edges, allowing Colin Kaepernick to freestyle on the fringes).
See?? Smarter already!
Sound like a Ravens fan:"Ed Reed, one of the best defensive players of the last decade, also has the most sensible, if oddly constructed, Twitter bio of any professional athlete. It reads ' 529 fund 401K'."
Sound like a 49ers fan:"This better not be a close game, cause our kicker is pretty terrible. David Akers made only 69% of his field goals this year, second worst in the NFL. Remember Ray Finkle? That's my nightmare right now."
Sound like a football fan:"Three words for you guys: Deer. Antler. Spray. Stop looking at me like that."
Sound like a serious Ravens fan:"Yeah, yeah. The two head coaches are brothers. But their dad, Jack Harbaugh, also coached college football for 19 years and won a national title. Aaaand, their sister is married to Indiana basketball's head coach. Wait, wait! And their second cousin is the head basketball coach at N.C. State! Basically, if you're in the Harbaugh family and you’re not in some way involved with coaching, you're no longer allowed to remain in the Harbaugh family."
Sound like a serious 49ers fan:"Ray Lewis, just go away."
S ound like a serious football fan:"So this is the 10th time New Orleans has hosted the Super Bowl, tying Miami for the most ever. Also the first time since Katrina. But notice the absence of icicles on the player's helmets and beards, cause that won't be the case next year when for some godforsaken reason the Super Bowl will be at the Meadowlands."
And here are two more quick ones to keep handy:
-- Baltimore's team is named for famous resident Edgar Allan Poe's poem, "The Raven." Poe passed away in 1849, the year of the California Gold Rush -- which inspired the name of San Francisco's team, the 49ers. Whoa.
-- The people of New Orleans detest NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who levied severe punishments on the New Orleans Saints for their bounty program. So now that the Super Bowl is in New Orleans, the Commish is being banned from a bunch of restaurants. Here is a list of all the places where Goodell will not be dining this weekend.
Follow Jonathan Anker on Twitter @JonFromHLN