Your royal baby Wiki: How life will change… for us all

NEED TO KNOW
  • Congratulations! You're expecting someone else's baby!
  • Don't be scared. The more you know, the better you'll feel.
The whole world is abuzz with news of Kate Middleton's pregnancy.

So now that Duchess Catherine has come down with a bona fide case of the babies, you may have a lot of questions. You may feel scared, or like you aren't prepared for this beautiful and wondrous stage of life. Don't worry! Lots of people feel like that when they're watching someone else be pregnant. With a few pieces of wisdom, you will feel more confident and ready to take on the challenges of someone else's pregnancy.

First trimester:

The I-told-you-sos:

"Well, she WAS looking a little thicker around the middle!" is something no rational person has ever said about Le Duchess de TinyWaistShinyHair. But now that she has a bun in the royal oven, people that have been grinding their teeth over her case of the maybe-babies for years will finally have something to crow about. "I TOLD you when she refused that peanut butter, it meant she was knocked up! Yes, that was nearly a year ago, but I was definitely on to something!"

Bump Watch:

Weird, close-up paparazzi shots of completely normal-looking swaths of royal abdomen will be pored over and analyzed: Is she big enough? Is there really a tiny creature growing in there, or is the Palace playing some sort of prank and in a few months Kate will spring one of those paper snakes out of a can of peanuts?

Worry warts:

Since the entire world now has an intimate connection to a person they have never met growing in the belly of another person they have never met, we are all entitled to wring our hands over every detail of her baby-having: Morning sickness? Omg twins! Or a daughter. She's how many weeks along, eh? Let's all ponder where and when the Royal deed was done.

Hilarious (?) Internet tomfoolery:

The good folks on Twitter have already decided that the royal family will probably not name their baby Shaniqua, and @RoyalFoetus is already a thing. Expect more classy episodes from the bowels of the Internet (none of which will be as classy as spelling "foetus" like that.)

Second trimester:

OMG BABY GENDER REVEAL!

Oh, happy will be the day when we finally know whether the world will be expecting a little prince or princess! Now we will know whether to send them the blue or pink Wedgewood china.

Kate's fun time pregnant fashions

Obviously being an International Fashion Icon, Kate will probably look less like the sweaty, tired kind of pregnant woman (aka normal people) and more like a fashion model smuggling a very neat, small beach ball under her dress. We will pretend to hate her for this, but she will look amazing, and we will love her, a woman we have never met, having a baby we will never meet, wearing clothing we probably can't even buy on the Internet.

Stupid rumors:

Is Harry the father? Is Pippa really pregnant and Kate is hiding a pillow baby and the heir to the throne will really be a common imposter who will eventually star in his or her own Disney movie? Does the Queen stare into a magical talking mirror every night?

Third trimester: 

Nursery/early-life plans that will remind us what poor, common human beings we are:

If you thought Blue Ivy Carter had it good, you clearly have never been around a royal baby. This kid is going to have dignitaries from around the world sending it real useful baby-type stuff, like Faberge Eggs, strollers shaped like Egyptian triremes and displays of indigenous sand artwork.

Wistfully wondering what sort of uncle Harry will be:

Or, if you're a guy, wistfully wondering what a cute aunt Pippa will be. Aunt Pippa and Uncle Harry. That has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Sigh.

Ye Old Royal Babeye Naming Ceremonye:

We hate to tell you, but the baby is not going to have a particularly interesting name. Start your betting pool now, and come around baby-havin' time, those of you who picked like, William II or Catherine II will probably take home the tuppence.

Worldwide television special coverage of the royal birth:

Much like the magical, two-month long royal wedding affair, millions of interested Americans will wake up at 4 in the morning to witness the fairytale event. There will be hats! When the baby has arrived, glistening and smelling like fresh hope for the monarchy, a trained baboon will hoist the child above Pride Rock and we will sing in unison to a primal drum beat.

After the birth:

ALL OF THE BABY PICTURES EVER:

You will see more of this baby than you see of your own baby, and you will be seeing them for far longer than 18 years so you might as well get used to it.

Plates with pictures of royal baby heads on them:

Those Brits sure do love commemorative stuff. Hopefully they won't make one of those traditional pooping statues, though it may be entirely accurate for a royal infant.

Now let's all take a few deep breaths and concentrate on the beautiful journey ahead of us. We can do this.

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