Editor’s note: Myq Kaplan is a comedian whose new musical comedy album, "Please Be Seated," and new podcast, "Hang Out With Me," will be released this fall. He was a top five finalist on the 2010 season of "Last Comic Standing" and has since appeared on shows such as “Conan,” “Late Show with David Letterman,” and in his own Comedy Central special. He is on Twitter.
It's National Unmarried and Single Americans Week again! Can you believe it? Time flies when you've never heard of it. So let's all take a moment to celebrate this holiday in the traditional way: By learning that it's a thing.
Some fun facts (did you know that facts can be fun? That's the first fact!): National Unmarried and Single Americans Week started in 1992, back when single people were invented. Before, everyone was born at least engaged, if not married already. But thanks to the hard work of single-rights pioneers, anyone can be as lone a wolf as they like! Just pee to mark your territory and you'll be alone! (Most people don't want to hang around a human who pees in public.)
Another fact: Did you know this week's name can be abbreviated “National USA Week”? Of course you didn't! Because you knew nothing about it. But now you do and can never un-know it. Or you can, and if you forget by next year, you'll be all set to re-celebrate the tradition!
National USA Week is actually an appropriate name, because the U.S.A. is a single country, married to no other countries (since our breakup with England). Sure, we may muse about running away with Canada if we don't like our new president, but who are we kidding? We are the USA, the Unmarried Single America!
But seriously, folks -- or should I say “But seriously, folk...” using the singular in honor of this week -- why are we so concerned with there being more than one of us? I mean, why am I so concerned with there being more than one of me? It's hard to even speak without referencing more than one person, am I right, people? (See?)
So many holidays focus on non-singles. Romancing on Valentine's Day, kissing someone on New Year's Eve, looking at a tree with your loved one on Arbor Day... what if you have no one? What if you're a complete person all by yourself, and you want to look at a tree, but you don't want the pitying glances of all the tree-watching couples? Well, finally, there is a day for you. And then another. And then another. Seven in total. Because it's a whole week! Take that, Arbor Day! And any other one-day holiday that wants to bring it (Hanukah, we're cool, right?).
Perhaps I'm biased. Full disclosure: I have been single for most of my life. As a fetus, baby, toddler, tween, teen, and twadult, I was single. I did marry for a few years, but ultimately couldn't stay away. I am my own person. The Buddhists say we are all one. And I say, what do you mean “we,” Buddhists?
Singles need more respect. What's the most popular monetary unit in America? The single. And how we mistreat them! Ripped, used, discarded, destroyed, and no one cares. What's the rarest bill? The two-dollar bill! The couple of bills. You see one of these, it's in good shape, revered, collected, cherished. Only when the single is treated as lovingly and respectfully as the couple will our nation no longer need the service proudly and necessarily provided by National Unmarried and Single Americans Week (a holiday I only just now -- but happily -- found out about).
So go out and hug a single person this week! Unless they want to be left alone. Then do that.
P.S.: Did my metaphor about the dollars make sense? Who cares, I'm not going to provide another; I believe that a single one should suffice.