It’s finals week, and you know what that means. Tension! Angst! And an all-out freestyle ballroom extravaganza! And just in case Your Host Tom, the judges, and every other sparkly ballroom denizen has failed to impress this upon you, the freestyle dances are, like, really important. So how did our finalists do?
Ricki and Derek: Carrie Ann visitied 'DerRicki' with a mission to cast her sexy-making abilities on “big-girl” Ricki. In their actual cha-cha-cha, sexy apparently translated into a series of faces that indicated Ricki was concentrating very hard on something smelly. Other than that, it was nothing special, but honestly it looked like everyone went easy on their first dance in preparation for their freestyle.
Since this is Derek and Ricki we’re talking about, freestyle meant weird lifts and gross faces aplenty, not to mention Derek busting through a (very obviously distorted) picture of heavier, beginning-of-season Ricki. Slimmer, real-life Ricki then appeared, wearing her symbolic weight loss in ostrich feathers. There were some lifts, even more gross faces, and done. Nothing to see here folks, move along.
Rob and Cheryl: This is probably the first and only time in his life Rob Kardashian will be called “Cinderella” to his face, so he better savor it for all it’s worth in his suit outfits with outrageously-colored ties. Done and done.
Once again, the most special thing about his waltz was Cheryl’s magical ostrich dress, for they were saving their muster for a 1920’s/30’s-themed freestyle. Rob executed this very well, for no doubt he studied this era at USC. It is unclear whether he also studied lifts, but Cheryl was convinced treating him like a very spiffy ox in spats was a way to get the best out of him.
She was right! They got their perfect 30. Rob seemed genuinely excited. Aw. The judges made no effort to conceal their surprise that Rob – Rob! – had come this far in the competition, but the new favorite Kardashian has bought into the pageantry whole-heartedly. Either that, or he really, truly does believe in the grave importance of things like the tango, Broadway week, and whether the freestyle dance determines the winner. Discuss, Rob. Discuss.
J.R. and Karina: Coming off of a sub-par semifinals week due to a pesky injury, we were all kind of nervous for J.R. I don’t know who we is, perhaps just myself and the DWTS panel of story-makers, but that is enough.
And we were scared again, when his cha-cha failed to impress. Was it because he was barely lifting his feet off the floor? Concentrating his movements in his upper body? Wearing a hideous outfit? No! It was another freestyle-saving fakeout. His “stunning” second dance was just that.
Karina seems to have a death wish, though, because she incorporated a few neck-breaking lifts that were so difficult those darn story-makers decided to ruin the mental health of viewers by replaying all of the times they had failed in rehearsal. Would J.R. snap Karina’s neck with his flying crotch-leap on live TV? Could they successfully execute the over-the-back yoga pose-type one?
Yes, of course, was the answer. But it was a dicey moment of anticipation. Honestly, their freestyle dance was the only one that felt completely “freestyle” to me, and all that lifting and worrying definitely paid off.
Omigosh, the finals are tonight! Are you excited to see the outcome of “blahblahblah” Your Host Tom’s ongoing battle with the teleprompter? Are you still a little dazed by seeing so very much of Karina in that sparkly red outfit? Did you spot the Mirror Ball trophy, just hanging out underneath the judges table, so close you could smell it or possibly knock it over by accident? It’s right there! Who will pick it up and win it for their very own?
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